


Visibility

by douxii



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Anxiety, Coming Out, Gen, Gender Identity, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Character, Lesbian Character, Lowercase, Trans Character, also lapslock because i'm lazy, another member is trans too uwu, doyoung is a lesbian, genderfluid doyoung!, if you're transphobic then fuck off, read to find out owo, supportive nct, they/them lesbians exist, this is for Trans Visibility day!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:46:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/douxii/pseuds/douxii
Summary: Doyoung dreams of a life where they can be out and proud to everyone they know. Where they can be in a relationship with an amazing girl without being considered straight (not to mention the fact that they’d have to find a girl who would understand the whole genderfluid thing in the first place).But they don’t want to dream anymore.So Doyoung decides that they’re finally going to come out.





	Visibility

**Author's Note:**

> tw / mention of an anxiety attack + anxiety symptoms in general :^(
> 
> if you're transphobic then kindly fuck off! we don't want you here!!

being genderfluid is hard, doyoung concludes.

 

it’s the struggle of not knowing what gender to identify as. the struggle of constantly being misgendered by strangers, but not being able to correct them because they couldn’t possibly know otherwise. the struggle of calling themself a lesbian but then having to clarify that, yes, they indeed like girls, and that no, that doesn’t make them straight. even the struggle of not being able to put the clarification that they use they/them pronouns in any of their social media accounts because none of their friends or family would accept, let alone understand.

 

doyoung dreams of a life where they can be out and proud to everyone they know. where they can be in a relationship with an amazing girl without being considered straight (not to mention the fact that they’d have to find a girl who would understand the whole genderfluid thing in the first place).

 

but they don’t want to dream anymore.

 

so doyoung decides that they’re finally going to come out.

 

they decide that it’s best to start with friends, since they’re around his age and not as conservative as doyoung’s parents would be. plus, it’ll let them test the waters and see what kind of reaction it’ll get from their loved ones.

 

the days that lead up to it are stressful yet uneventful. doyoung spends their time constantly reciting what they plan to say. they even set up an event for all of their friend group to hang out at johnny’s place where they plan to come clean.

 

everything seemed fine and dandy up until the point that they rolled onto the curb of johnny’s driveway. suddenly the anxiety that never existed in those few days finally approached him at full speed and full force. doyoung’s head begins to feel dizzy at the thought of being rejected and outcasted by their own friends.

 

doyoung leans their head on the steering wheel, suddenly regretting this decision. but it’s not like they can just take a rain check considering it was doyoung’s idea.

 

“i can’t do it...” doyoung subtly bangs their head on the steering wheel which emits a honk from the car, startling them.

 

“ugh, fuck… i can’t do it, i can’t do it, I CAN’T DO IT!” doyoung continues to bang their head on the steering wheel, this time avoiding the car horn. a single tear rolls down their cheek.

 

“i’m such a coward,” doyoung sits back in the car seat. “i can’t believe i really thought i could do this.”

 

they sit in the seat a little longer, staring off into the distance. a tap on the glass of the driver’s side of the car releases them from their small haze.

 

“you coming?” the muffled voice of jaehyun has doyoung blinking slowly and repetitively before nodding and opening the car door.

 

“what’s up?”

 

“what do you mean?” doyoung feigns innocence.

 

“you looked so out of it in the car,” jaehyun chuckles a bit to lighten the mood.

 

“just tired.”

 

“well, you better not be by the time we get inside! johnny said he got some fun shit lined up, man,” the gender term irks doyoung. really wasn’t feeling the masculine vibe today. but they don’t say anything, of course, and just nod their head.

 

johnny opens the door and greets the two rambunctiously.

 

“jaehyun, doyoung, my dudes! come in!” they all share what could be a called a ‘bro hug’ while doyoung continues to become more and more uncomfortable with the gendered terms being thrown at them.

 

_ ‘i’ve never let it bother me before, so why is it suddenly a huge issue all of a sudden?’ _

 

“hey man, you good?” doyoung looks up at johnny. they fake a smile as best as they possibly could, gums and all.

 

“yeah, i’m great,” johnny hesitates before smiling back at them and moving further into the house. doyoung silently sighs in relief, glad to have escaped further questioning. doyoung begins to wish that they started off the whole coming out thing with their brother instead.

 

the night flies by pretty quickly. doyoung gradually became able to enjoy themself, despite the hint of uncomfortableness lingering in the back of their mind.

 

the group of friends finish another round of beer pong and are beginning to settle on the couches, seeming to finally become a bit tired and less riled up. doyoung takes this as the perfect opportunity to start  _ the  _ conversation.

 

“h-hey, guys?” doyoung’s voice cracks at the start and is too quiet, only catching the attention of a couple of people around him. doyoung clears their throat.

 

“guys?” this time a little louder. they have most of the boys’ attention, but a few are still chatting.

 

“hey!” taeyong’s voice sounds throughout the living room, everyone finally deciding to listen in. “doyoung has something to say.”

 

“t-thank you. uhm,” doyoung has no clue where to start. “i really don't know how to begin this.”

 

the room stares at doyoung expectantly which only increases the rate of anxiety building up in them.

 

“i-i can trust you guys, right?” everyone looks at doyoung dumbfounded but the question incites a cacophony of approval.

 

“great, u-uh, i have something to confess,” doyoung feels their hands begin to shake and a cold sweat builds up on their brow. taeyong seems to be the only one that notices.

 

“hey, hey,” taeyong puts a hand on doyoung’s back. “calm down, okay? i don’t know what it is you want to say, but i’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is,” taeyong’s voice is quiet and calming, which is really helpful to doyoung, who’s on the verge of an anxiety attack.

 

_ i need to stop being a pussy about it. just say it, doyoung. _

 

“i’m genderfluid.”

 

the room goes silent for a few, long seconds. doyoung doesn't dare watch the reaction on everyone's faces, knowing they’ll just see looks of disgust and confusion. instead, they choose to stare very intently at the floor. oh hey, did johnny get a new rug?

 

“i don’t wanna be that person but uh, what does genderfluid mean?” the rooms turns to look at mark, who breaks the silence. “no hate or anything! i’m just curious, y’know?”

 

“uh, yeah! of course, sure, uhm,” doyoung dryly swallows the lump resting in their throat. they still can’t tell if the reaction they’re receiving is positive or negative.

 

“it’s like… well, to begin, it’s a form of gender expression. a form of gender expression in which someone, uh, identifies as both male  _ and  _ female but also like, uhm,” doyoung has to pause, mind running blank. you’d think they’d be able to perfectly describe their own gender. “it changes? kind of? they could be feeling masculine one day and feminine another, y’know?” everyone in the room nods their head, some hesitantly, but doyoung takes it as a more positive response.

 

“to put it in a more personal perspective, i basically change my gender day to day. some days i want to feel like a girl, others a boy, and sometimes both or neither. i hope you guys can understand…”

 

doyoung’s head snaps up when kun stands up from the group and moves towards them. they expect a slap or a something negative, but instead, they get a gentle smile and a calming hand on the shoulder.

 

“we understand, doyoung. thank you for telling us this.”

 

doyoung stares at kun in shock. never in a million years had they anticipated being accepted.

 

it felt amazing.

 

better than they could've ever anticipated.

 

the widest, most genuine smile spreads across doyoung’s face. they wrap their arms around kun while a tear rolls down their face.

 

“thank you.”

 

doyoung heard shuffling around them but doesn't open their eyes to see what’s going on, only focusing on the feeling of pure happiness right now.

 

until suddenly they feel more arms being wrapped around doyoung and kun. their smile grows impossibly wider.

 

the hug lasts for what feels like an eternity while also not feeling long enough.

 

“i love you all, so so much.” doyoung sniffles while wiping at their face with their hoodie sleeve.

 

“hey, are there any pronouns you’d prefer us to call you by?” this shocks doyoung, surprised that anyone would be aware of that kind of thing.

 

“u-uh yeah. i prefer gender-neutral pronouns, they/them, please.” donghyuck, the one who asked, nods his head with a loving smile on his face.

 

doyoung feels elated.

 

-

 

“hyuck-ah, wait,” doyoung stops donghyuck while the group of 20 is on their way out of johnny’s house.

 

“is there something wrong?”

 

“n-no, i was just curious…” donghyuck looks on at doyoung expectantly. “how did you know to ask about pronouns? i didn't think anyone else would.”

 

donghyuck just smiles and laughs.

 

“because hyung, i’m genderfluid, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> they/them lesbian doyoung and genderfluid donghyuck are the only things this world needs
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/m00nt0pia) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/douxii)  
> [commissions](https://ko-fi.com/douxii)


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